Being Dad: The Stare And The Meltdowns

Having a small child is an adventure.

My son is at that age where he can be totally fine and then completely melt down for really no reason at all. Or in other words he feels something he can’t express or I can’t understand. And so for him he does the only thing he can, cry and scream.

It happens at home, in public, daytime or nighttime.

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Before I forget…

Today, Levi did the cutest thing.

I was laying on the living room floor, (we don’t have a couch) and Levi walked by. I asked for a hug and he gave me one and so I started singing, “Daddy loves his baby!” I did this for a minute and just rocked back and forth and Levi just held on.

Then I sang, “Who does Daddy love?”

Levi sings, “Baby!”

He looked up to me with the biggest smile and it just broke my heart.

I love this kid, so much. He is such a sunny spot in my life and he is just so filled with love. Renee used to always say that Levi was chosen specifically to bring us joy and I don’t doubt that.

He is so special.

How To Change Your Perspective: Take A Vacation

Last week I had the amazing opportunity to go on vacation with my family.

My parents, sister and I haven’t all been together in a few years and so we weren’t sure how well we would all get along. Luckily, aside from a few moments, we did really well considering we spent the better part of a week almost constantly together.

It helped that we were all out of our own environment and experiencing something new together.

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Weekend with the Kid

Tonight, I told my son it was bedtime and he got super happy.

I picked him up and took him to the room to change his diaper and put on lotion. As I started to comb his hair, he said, “ow.” He says it every time I comb his hair now. Not because it hurts but because somehow he learned it might make us stop. But he has really pretty hair and I try to keep it that way.

The pillow weren’t in the room so I told him to get the pillows and I’d grab a bottle. He didn’t quite understand at first so we walked out to the living room and I pointed at the pillows. He giggled and said, “pillows.” He picked them up and as I poured him some milk he dragged them back to the room. I followed him as he dragged the last pillow in and threw it on the bed. I then rearranged them and helped lift him into bed.

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Remember We Die

Remember We Die by Gemini Syndrome

Music is important in my life.

As a teenager, I used music to reach out and get help. As an adult, I’ve relied on music to keep me going. So it was really difficult when I joined the Mormon church and was faced with trying to find a balance between something that had, quite literally kept me alive, and a culture that was asking me to give up certain types of music.

At first, I felt strongly that I needed to really look at my relationship with music and recognize that certain things really worked to only bring me down. But like a good convert I decided it was best to literally destroy my music collection and try to do with out.

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Missing My Son

When Levi was born, I was so afraid to touch him.

Prior to his birth, I rarely held babies and really did my best to avoid interacting with children. I always felt so uncomfortable around them.

I remember seeing him lying on the table as they cleaned him up. I could hear him crying and I really had no idea what to do. Luckily the nurse could see my deer-in-the-headlights expression and was quick to suggest I take a picture to kind of keep me grounded.

Now, there are days when I come home and I see his things and I know that despite his toys, clothes and bed being here, he won’t be. And it kills me.

On the days where I drop him off at his mom’s, knowing it will be at the very least two days before I see him again, it takes everything for me not to cry. Most of the time I say my goodbyes and then rush back to my car and focus on getting to work. Then when I get home and see his things, I either immediately find something to do or I binge Netflix until the urge to cry passes.

It’s so hard to not see him everyday.

I miss his laughs and his hugs. I hate knowing that when I see him again, I will have missed out on so much. He’ll have learned something new and I won’t know about it until he does it. (His mom doesn’t communicate anything with me)

I just wanted so much more for him. Having a father who abandoned my mom and I, I really wanted so much more for my children.

It never crossed my mind that we’d find ourselves where we are now. I really expected so much more out of my marriage. And yet some how, the burden of it’s failure still ends up laying on my shoulders.

I’d give anything to know I’d see my son everyday. That I could put him to bed every night and here his voice every morning.

He deserves so much more and I just hate myself for how much I’ve let him down.

If there is one thing I try to survive everyday, it’s knowing that I can’t give my son his family.

Somethings Just Not Right

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I had promised this post about a month ago… sorry for the delay.

I’ve had this one on my mind for a few weeks now. It’s one of the three I’ve had on repeat  this summer. This image came up in my memories today and after some quick editing I had just an image of me.

This is me, more happy and comfortable then I’d been in years. At the time, my life seemed to be headed somewhere amazing. It would ultimately be a two-year disaster that left me with almost nothing. 

I guess it’s been a week of serious reflection and I really would love to be this person again.

I wrote the above text back in July.

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