Quiet Thoughts: Dating

The idea of dating again has been at the front of my mind lately.

I don’t plan on actually dating any time soon, mainly because I am still married. We haven’t actually filed divorce papers and I am not sure when that will actually happen.

It has nothing to do with anything other then the fact that financially I am kinda in a place where it’s either have money for food and bills or for non-essential things like court fees. We can discuss this later, maybe.

Either way, I know I am not ready to date.

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How To Change Your Perspective: Take A Vacation

Last week I had the amazing opportunity to go on vacation with my family.

My parents, sister and I haven’t all been together in a few years and so we weren’t sure how well we would all get along. Luckily, aside from a few moments, we did really well considering we spent the better part of a week almost constantly together.

It helped that we were all out of our own environment and experiencing something new together.

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Remember We Die

Remember We Die by Gemini Syndrome

Music is important in my life.

As a teenager, I used music to reach out and get help. As an adult, I’ve relied on music to keep me going. So it was really difficult when I joined the Mormon church and was faced with trying to find a balance between something that had, quite literally kept me alive, and a culture that was asking me to give up certain types of music.

At first, I felt strongly that I needed to really look at my relationship with music and recognize that certain things really worked to only bring me down. But like a good convert I decided it was best to literally destroy my music collection and try to do with out.

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Music inspires unrelated thoughts

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Song lyrics by A Perfect Circle

I’ve shared a bit about the day my former spouse kicked me out.

But I’d like to revisit that day for second.

That morning was like any other we’d had at the time. Tension and distrust was in the air.

I had been contemplating our move to Idaho. I was supposed to attend BYU-Idaho and that meant moving together despite the fact that we couldn’t stand even being in the same room as each other.

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Somethings Just Not Right

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I had promised this post about a month ago… sorry for the delay.

I’ve had this one on my mind for a few weeks now. It’s one of the three I’ve had on repeat  this summer. This image came up in my memories today and after some quick editing I had just an image of me.

This is me, more happy and comfortable then I’d been in years. At the time, my life seemed to be headed somewhere amazing. It would ultimately be a two-year disaster that left me with almost nothing. 

I guess it’s been a week of serious reflection and I really would love to be this person again.

I wrote the above text back in July.

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Update: State of My Head

I’ve been pretty open about my experience with depression.

Since mid-July, I’ve stepped away from writing for a bit to focus on the mess that is my life. For whatever reason, I thought there were to many distractions and I was afraid things were getting out of control.

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Update: Anger

It’s no secret that I feel angry.

I’d have to say anger is the emotion I am most comfortable with. My default. My go to. It’s become my defense.

Lately, my marriage has been in the forefront of my mind. I caught myself laughing as I thought about some memories, a genuine feeling of joy coming across my face. At the same time, I felt angry that those memories are so tainted.

So far, everyone seems to think forgiveness is my best option. I don’t disagree, but I am just not there yet. I’ve shared a lot about being honest with your emotions. Honestly, I don’t know if anything I say is helpful for anyone but ,for me, being honest with myself is huge.

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