Remember We Die

Remember We Die by Gemini Syndrome

Music is important in my life.

As a teenager, I used music to reach out and get help. As an adult, I’ve relied on music to keep me going. So it was really difficult when I joined the Mormon church and was faced with trying to find a balance between something that had, quite literally kept me alive, and a culture that was asking me to give up certain types of music.

At first, I felt strongly that I needed to really look at my relationship with music and recognize that certain things really worked to only bring me down. But like a good convert I decided it was best to literally destroy my music collection and try to do with out.

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Music inspires unrelated thoughts

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Song lyrics by A Perfect Circle

I’ve shared a bit about the day my former spouse kicked me out.

But I’d like to revisit that day for second.

That morning was like any other we’d had at the time. Tension and distrust was in the air.

I had been contemplating our move to Idaho. I was supposed to attend BYU-Idaho and that meant moving together despite the fact that we couldn’t stand even being in the same room as each other.

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Missing My Son

When Levi was born, I was so afraid to touch him.

Prior to his birth, I rarely held babies and really did my best to avoid interacting with children. I always felt so uncomfortable around them.

I remember seeing him lying on the table as they cleaned him up. I could hear him crying and I really had no idea what to do. Luckily the nurse could see my deer-in-the-headlights expression and was quick to suggest I take a picture to kind of keep me grounded.

Now, there are days when I come home and I see his things and I know that despite his toys, clothes and bed being here, he won’t be. And it kills me.

On the days where I drop him off at his mom’s, knowing it will be at the very least two days before I see him again, it takes everything for me not to cry. Most of the time I say my goodbyes and then rush back to my car and focus on getting to work. Then when I get home and see his things, I either immediately find something to do or I binge Netflix until the urge to cry passes.

It’s so hard to not see him everyday.

I miss his laughs and his hugs. I hate knowing that when I see him again, I will have missed out on so much. He’ll have learned something new and I won’t know about it until he does it. (His mom doesn’t communicate anything with me)

I just wanted so much more for him. Having a father who abandoned my mom and I, I really wanted so much more for my children.

It never crossed my mind that we’d find ourselves where we are now. I really expected so much more out of my marriage. And yet some how, the burden of it’s failure still ends up laying on my shoulders.

I’d give anything to know I’d see my son everyday. That I could put him to bed every night and here his voice every morning.

He deserves so much more and I just hate myself for how much I’ve let him down.

If there is one thing I try to survive everyday, it’s knowing that I can’t give my son his family.

Somethings Just Not Right

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I had promised this post about a month ago… sorry for the delay.

I’ve had this one on my mind for a few weeks now. It’s one of the three I’ve had on repeat  this summer. This image came up in my memories today and after some quick editing I had just an image of me.

This is me, more happy and comfortable then I’d been in years. At the time, my life seemed to be headed somewhere amazing. It would ultimately be a two-year disaster that left me with almost nothing. 

I guess it’s been a week of serious reflection and I really would love to be this person again.

I wrote the above text back in July.

Continue reading “Somethings Just Not Right”

Update: Anger

It’s no secret that I feel angry.

I’d have to say anger is the emotion I am most comfortable with. My default. My go to. It’s become my defense.

Lately, my marriage has been in the forefront of my mind. I caught myself laughing as I thought about some memories, a genuine feeling of joy coming across my face. At the same time, I felt angry that those memories are so tainted.

So far, everyone seems to think forgiveness is my best option. I don’t disagree, but I am just not there yet. I’ve shared a lot about being honest with your emotions. Honestly, I don’t know if anything I say is helpful for anyone but ,for me, being honest with myself is huge.

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QOTD: Creating Yourself

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

– George Bernard Shaw

I love the control this statement gives the individual. “Finding yourself” implies you don’t have the ability to do so with out some sort of journey or search in which you have little to no control of the outcome, length, or course.

“Creating yourself” gives control to you as an individual to dictate who you are entirely. You make the choices, you carry the power, and you decide.

 


Shirts available for purchase here: https://survivinganything.threadless.com/

Check out my Instagram to see what picture I posted today: @jorgesiow – https://www.instagram.com/jorgesiow/

Check out my Pattern site to see the things I sell: www.thehusbandandwifeco.com

Or my Etsy shop: www.etsy.com/shop/thehusbandandwifeco

Also I have Facebook: @undefeatedandalive – https://www.facebook.com/undefeateandalive/

QOTD: Live for the stars, they are more plentiful.

May 16, 2017

log in the grass b&w

“Shoot for the moon, even if you fail, you’ll land among the stars.”

– Cecelia Ahern

In five months I went from single to married and it was quite an adventure. It was fun, exciting, overwhelming, and terrifying. Committing to marry someone so quickly was insane but it felt right and it was something I wanted.

That marriage is effectively over.

It is the reason I started work on this blog and reading this quote this morning reminded me how interesting it has been to see how much better of a person I am now that I am out of that marriage and how much it changed my life and brought me to a place where I can feel confident in following my dreams and feel excited for the future.

Trust me, a lot people in my situation wouldn’t be as outwardly happy as I am. The difference between what I could be doing and what I am doing is how I choose to just not worry about what I can’t control anymore. At first, that was hard. When you separate from anyone whom you have a relationship with, you do get mad when they seem to just move on. I know I did.

It didn’t take long, though, to realize how much I still had. Yeah, many of the people I had gotten close to seemed to push me out, but in doing so I found better friends. The people who actually helped me and showed me what it was like to actually care about people. Which was surprising to me because I thought my “church family” would have played a large role in my recovery, but that did not happen at all.

New opportunities presented themselves at work and in my own pursuit of happiness. I realized more fully who I was as a person, recognizing not only my weaknesses, but for once really seeing where I was strong and capable.

Life is still hard. My finances are a cluster ___. I have no idea how to be single and not seeing my son every day can get really frustrating.

But I have a decent home, food in cupboard, the opportunity to see my son often, great friends, my own car, a successful (in my mind) business, opportunities to explore and grow in my hobbies, drive to live, time to appreciate life, a great job, and a hope for my future.

There are plenty of things in my life that are great still. I overcame this hurdle and I will survive and continue to survive anything that comes my way. As a Mormon, I believe in an after-life, so why am I going to waste my time worrying about things that really don’t matter?

I still have some things to work on but I control that now. I control my life and I accept that, that means I can’t control everything.

Surviving anything means happiness is a choice.


Shirts available for purchase here: https://survivinganything.threadless.com/

Check out my Instagram to see what picture I posted today: @jorgesiow – https://www.instagram.com/jorgesiow/

Check out my Pattern site to see the things I sell: www.thehusbandandwifeco.com

Or my Etsy shop: www.etsy.com/shop/thehusbandandwifeco

Also I have Facebook: www.facebook.com/husandwifeco