Being Dad: The Stare And The Meltdowns

Having a small child is an adventure.

My son is at that age where he can be totally fine and then completely melt down for really no reason at all. Or in other words he feels something he can’t express or I can’t understand. And so for him he does the only thing he can, cry and scream.

It happens at home, in public, daytime or nighttime.

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Before I forget…

Today, Levi did the cutest thing.

I was laying on the living room floor, (we don’t have a couch) and Levi walked by. I asked for a hug and he gave me one and so I started singing, “Daddy loves his baby!” I did this for a minute and just rocked back and forth and Levi just held on.

Then I sang, “Who does Daddy love?”

Levi sings, “Baby!”

He looked up to me with the biggest smile and it just broke my heart.

I love this kid, so much. He is such a sunny spot in my life and he is just so filled with love. Renee used to always say that Levi was chosen specifically to bring us joy and I don’t doubt that.

He is so special.

Meditation Post

What does meditation look like to me?

Well, it used to be do these breathing exercises and stress squeezes I learned on my mission.

Sometimes it was cleaning my apartment before bed.

Lately, it has been preparing for the next day: meal prep and journal/planner writing.

Tonight, it’s listening to a talk from General Conference, meal prepping, calendar updating, video watching and blog posting.

Just finding things to relax before bed. Finding ways to clear my mind and most importantly center myself back to the Savior and the Spirit.

This is day one.

Quiet Thoughts: Dating

The idea of dating again has been at the front of my mind lately.

I don’t plan on actually dating any time soon, mainly because I am still married. We haven’t actually filed divorce papers and I am not sure when that will actually happen.

It has nothing to do with anything other then the fact that financially I am kinda in a place where it’s either have money for food and bills or for non-essential things like court fees. We can discuss this later, maybe.

Either way, I know I am not ready to date.

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How To Change Your Perspective: Take A Vacation

Last week I had the amazing opportunity to go on vacation with my family.

My parents, sister and I haven’t all been together in a few years and so we weren’t sure how well we would all get along. Luckily, aside from a few moments, we did really well considering we spent the better part of a week almost constantly together.

It helped that we were all out of our own environment and experiencing something new together.

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Remember We Die

Remember We Die by Gemini Syndrome

Music is important in my life.

As a teenager, I used music to reach out and get help. As an adult, I’ve relied on music to keep me going. So it was really difficult when I joined the Mormon church and was faced with trying to find a balance between something that had, quite literally kept me alive, and a culture that was asking me to give up certain types of music.

At first, I felt strongly that I needed to really look at my relationship with music and recognize that certain things really worked to only bring me down. But like a good convert I decided it was best to literally destroy my music collection and try to do with out.

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Music inspires unrelated thoughts

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Song lyrics by A Perfect Circle

I’ve shared a bit about the day my former spouse kicked me out.

But I’d like to revisit that day for second.

That morning was like any other we’d had at the time. Tension and distrust was in the air.

I had been contemplating our move to Idaho. I was supposed to attend BYU-Idaho and that meant moving together despite the fact that we couldn’t stand even being in the same room as each other.

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