Update: Anger

It’s no secret that I feel angry.

I’d have to say anger is the emotion I am most comfortable with. My default. My go to. It’s become my defense.

Lately, my marriage has been in the forefront of my mind. I caught myself laughing as I thought about some memories, a genuine feeling of joy coming across my face. At the same time, I felt angry that those memories are so tainted.

So far, everyone seems to think forgiveness is my best option. I don’t disagree, but I am just not there yet. I’ve shared a lot about being honest with your emotions. Honestly, I don’t know if anything I say is helpful for anyone but ,for me, being honest with myself is huge.

Continue reading “Update: Anger”

Update: Surviving

Art is all about emotion.

The emotion felt when creating to the emotion felt by the viewer, art makes us feel. For me, my photography is typically inspired by pain.

In high school, I was struggling with depression and photography became a very important outlet for me. Now, I still find myself using my photography as a way to deal with everything that comes with going through a divorce.

Continue reading “Update: Surviving”

QOTD: Now

“Real generosity towards the future lies in giving all to the present.”

– Albert Camus

My biggest worry in life is wether I will be a good enough dad to my son.

I constantly worry that I am not doing enough to engage him or teach him. Aside from the weekend, I really only see him for 3-4 hours on a workday and the rest of the time he is at the sitters.

Do I show him that I love him enough and do I discipline him in a way that is nurturing and not just authoritative? The other day he was sick and as much as I knew him taking a late nap was good, I was frustrated that it meant he’d be up later and it would be hard for me to get any work done. Then, I was mad because I found it annoying that he was sick. It was a lose, lose situation for me.

In a perfect world, his mother and I would of made things work, but this world isn’t perfect. In a perfect world I’d come home and not have to worry about what wether or not we’d have enough to pay the bills and have food.

I had always wished to give him the best life possible, but the older he gets the more I feel like I’ve let him down.

And then I stop and breathe.

I glance at the pictures I have of him, the smiles he always wears. I think of the hugs and kisses he shares. How tightly he holds on to me at night when he wakes up crying. The cuddles he shares right before he falls asleep. And just all of the little moments we share together.

Trying to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent is hard.

I worry about the future he will have; the questions he will ask and the answers I will have to try and explain. How will his confidence and self worth change the more he learns?

I’ve been trying to teach myself the importance of being hopefully and optimistic. Reminding myself that it’s okay to chase after my own dreams. This is all in the hope of being able to teach him to do and act the same.

We all want better for our own kids and it really does fall back on us to be better ourselves. Little steps, little breathes. He is always watching what we do and if he can see us overcome these difficulties, maybe he’ll see that he can also overcome.

So, I guess, being there for him now, showing him that I love him now, and being strong with him now is the best I can do.

POTD: Looking Up

This is a day late and I apologize.

In October of 2011, a talk was given at the LDS Church’s General Conference. (General Conference is a biannual conference that is broadcast worldwide for all members of the church to view and we hear from the leader’s of the Church.) Elder Carl B. Cook gave a talk where he shares a story about an encounter with the President of the Church, Thomas S. Monson, in which he was told, “Now, remember, it is better to look up.” Continue reading “POTD: Looking Up”

QOTD: Being Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable

“You never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

– Roy T Bennett

I had a talk recently with my bishop.

In the course of our conversation, I explained how I had been holding back on some ideas for new designs for my Etsy shop because I was worried about producing religious designs. It has been a back and forth battle because while I get ideas for these designs all the time, I worry about seeming like I produce only religious things.

Not that I am ashamed of my religion, when I am doing my best, my religion is a very big part of my life, I just worry that it will overshadow some of the other things I do and sort of act like a restriction. Continue reading “QOTD: Being Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable”

POTD: Yellow

I’ve really enjoyed working with this new batch of photographs.

I felt confident when taking these photos and it changed so much about what I was trying to capture. It wasn’t so much the subject, but how I presented the subject. As I took each shot, in my head I could see the final edit and so I focused more on making sure I had everything set to produce the image that was in my head and not so much what I was actually seeing.

That is what is so fun about really getting into your own creativity. With any art that we present to people, we are presenting our interpretation of a certain subject, however, most of the time the viewer is still going to take away from it, what they think it is.

It can be a little frustrating at first, and I remember when I first got into photography how hard it was to deal with not being able to get my ideas across.

As a creator, you get to a point though, where you are no longer creating for others, but for yourself. Ultimately, this is where you want to be. Like anything in life, to really enjoy it, you have to love it and it’s a process.

This time around, yes when I started to pick up photography again, I was doing it for myself, putting anything and everything out there. Then as I noticed certain things getting attention, I tried to mimic them and build up a bit more of my confidence by generating views on my work. Now I am getting back into just having fun with what I am doing, and relaxing more into what is my style. I am more excited about this batch because it’s more about what I like and what I am inspired to see and less about the feelings I am trying to convey.

I am at the point again, where I want people to be able to take what they want from my images and feel what they want. And I want them to share that with me and help me understand them because at this point I think most people who see my work know me fairly well.

So here we have Yellow. Growing alongside a path that runs underneath a bridge. Shaded by trees and long grass, with a crumbling walkway to distract passerby’s. It was strong and powerful, but only once I lifted my eyes and gave it the attention it deserved. That’s the nature of nature, silent and beautiful, easily overlooked.

Thanks again for sharing this moment with me.

 

QOTD: Creating

“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”
― Roy T. Bennett

This was the thought I had when I decided to keep my business going after I separated from my spouse.

I’ve shared that a few times, but finding this actual quote, that is someone else’s words, was a great reminder to me today, of how important it is to keep creating.

It is so easy to feel out of control in life. No matter how good things are, it doesn’t take much to derail us. I wish that wasn’t true but it is.

So how do we change in that split second. Well we redirect the energy, create a new path, find a new goal. We work and we bleed and we cry and smile, fighting for the end that makes us happy.

It’s great.

It wasn’t until after the split that I discovered the term “creator” as it relates to people who create things to sell on Etsy.

It felt silly to say at first, but that is what I am, a creator.

Think about how much power is behind that word. Would you consider yourself a creator? Because you are, you may not realize it but everyday you are creating life. Your life. Your decisions are a part of that process.

So today I am going to ask you, what are you creating?