Update: Anger

It’s no secret that I feel angry.

I’d have to say anger is the emotion I am most comfortable with. My default. My go to. It’s become my defense.

Lately, my marriage has been in the forefront of my mind. I caught myself laughing as I thought about some memories, a genuine feeling of joy coming across my face. At the same time, I felt angry that those memories are so tainted.

So far, everyone seems to think forgiveness is my best option. I don’t disagree, but I am just not there yet. I’ve shared a lot about being honest with your emotions. Honestly, I don’t know if anything I say is helpful for anyone but ,for me, being honest with myself is huge.

Continue reading “Update: Anger”

Update: Surviving

Art is all about emotion.

The emotion felt when creating to the emotion felt by the viewer, art makes us feel. For me, my photography is typically inspired by pain.

In high school, I was struggling with depression and photography became a very important outlet for me. Now, I still find myself using my photography as a way to deal with everything that comes with going through a divorce.

Continue reading “Update: Surviving”

QOTD: Now

“Real generosity towards the future lies in giving all to the present.”

– Albert Camus

My biggest worry in life is wether I will be a good enough dad to my son.

I constantly worry that I am not doing enough to engage him or teach him. Aside from the weekend, I really only see him for 3-4 hours on a workday and the rest of the time he is at the sitters.

Do I show him that I love him enough and do I discipline him in a way that is nurturing and not just authoritative? The other day he was sick and as much as I knew him taking a late nap was good, I was frustrated that it meant he’d be up later and it would be hard for me to get any work done. Then, I was mad because I found it annoying that he was sick. It was a lose, lose situation for me.

In a perfect world, his mother and I would of made things work, but this world isn’t perfect. In a perfect world I’d come home and not have to worry about what wether or not we’d have enough to pay the bills and have food.

I had always wished to give him the best life possible, but the older he gets the more I feel like I’ve let him down.

And then I stop and breathe.

I glance at the pictures I have of him, the smiles he always wears. I think of the hugs and kisses he shares. How tightly he holds on to me at night when he wakes up crying. The cuddles he shares right before he falls asleep. And just all of the little moments we share together.

Trying to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent is hard.

I worry about the future he will have; the questions he will ask and the answers I will have to try and explain. How will his confidence and self worth change the more he learns?

I’ve been trying to teach myself the importance of being hopefully and optimistic. Reminding myself that it’s okay to chase after my own dreams. This is all in the hope of being able to teach him to do and act the same.

We all want better for our own kids and it really does fall back on us to be better ourselves. Little steps, little breathes. He is always watching what we do and if he can see us overcome these difficulties, maybe he’ll see that he can also overcome.

So, I guess, being there for him now, showing him that I love him now, and being strong with him now is the best I can do.

QOTD: Patience Through the Journey

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.”

– Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I’ve become a firm believer in chasing after your dreams.

I’m also a firm believer in learning to recognize when you are wrong.

And for me, I feel like the two need to work together. My biggest dream was to own my own company. I checked this off my dream list almost two years ago. When I did it, I knew that if I got to the point where living this dream became a burden on my family or me, it needed to end.

And I have no problem with that. Continue reading “QOTD: Patience Through the Journey”

POTD: Looking Up

This is a day late and I apologize.

In October of 2011, a talk was given at the LDS Church’s General Conference. (General Conference is a biannual conference that is broadcast worldwide for all members of the church to view and we hear from the leader’s of the Church.) Elder Carl B. Cook gave a talk where he shares a story about an encounter with the President of the Church, Thomas S. Monson, in which he was told, “Now, remember, it is better to look up.” Continue reading “POTD: Looking Up”

QOTD: Being Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable

“You never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

– Roy T Bennett

I had a talk recently with my bishop.

In the course of our conversation, I explained how I had been holding back on some ideas for new designs for my Etsy shop because I was worried about producing religious designs. It has been a back and forth battle because while I get ideas for these designs all the time, I worry about seeming like I produce only religious things.

Not that I am ashamed of my religion, when I am doing my best, my religion is a very big part of my life, I just worry that it will overshadow some of the other things I do and sort of act like a restriction. Continue reading “QOTD: Being Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable”

QOTD: The Truth About Happines

“Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.”

-Steve Maraboli

For those of you in the US, I hope you made it through the holiday safe and sound, also happy belated Independence Day. ‘Merica!

I had a fairly quite holiday, the kid and I went to a parade and got caught in some rain. He did good though and luckily I had thought to bring a change a clothes. We spent the rest of the day just hanging out and both were in bed by nine, well I was actually on the living room floor because I was exhausted and didn’t think it was worth getting back up to go back to sleep.

Luckily, that meant when the kid got up at 4 this morning, I was ready to get going and took the time to get caught up on these posts.

The other day, I was talking to my mom and was able to admit to her that things were getting a little crazy for me. Finances have never really been my strong point and this summer is just getting a little tight. At the end though, I was able to admit that, despite all the worry and concern, I was still the happiest I have been in a long time.

I was able to keep up with good habits and I am actually attempting to make and keep better habits. It’s gotten easier to pull myself away from negativity and keep my paranoia down. I’ve had fewer lows and more moderate days when it comes to my depression and anxiety.

There is still a forward progression in my life and I am able to notice when I get stagnant and try to find a way to push myself a little more. All of this has been encouraging to think about.

I see how that has been affecting the way I think and act. It’s easier to be a bit more engaging and outgoing. I am getting comfortable with sharing my photography and working on this blog.

My problems still exist, but I know I have the ability to solve them and get things under control. I know it’ll take time but in the end, right now, in this moment, I am happy and that is better than I was a few months ago. It’s getting easier to survive.