Being Dad: The Stare And The Meltdowns

Having a small child is an adventure.

My son is at that age where he can be totally fine and then completely melt down for really no reason at all. Or in other words he feels something he can’t express or I can’t understand. And so for him he does the only thing he can, cry and scream.

It happens at home, in public, daytime or nighttime.

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Before I forget…

Today, Levi did the cutest thing.

I was laying on the living room floor, (we don’t have a couch) and Levi walked by. I asked for a hug and he gave me one and so I started singing, “Daddy loves his baby!” I did this for a minute and just rocked back and forth and Levi just held on.

Then I sang, “Who does Daddy love?”

Levi sings, “Baby!”

He looked up to me with the biggest smile and it just broke my heart.

I love this kid, so much. He is such a sunny spot in my life and he is just so filled with love. Renee used to always say that Levi was chosen specifically to bring us joy and I don’t doubt that.

He is so special.

Meditation Post

What does meditation look like to me?

Well, it used to be do these breathing exercises and stress squeezes I learned on my mission.

Sometimes it was cleaning my apartment before bed.

Lately, it has been preparing for the next day: meal prep and journal/planner writing.

Tonight, it’s listening to a talk from General Conference, meal prepping, calendar updating, video watching and blog posting.

Just finding things to relax before bed. Finding ways to clear my mind and most importantly center myself back to the Savior and the Spirit.

This is day one.

Quiet Thoughts: Dating

The idea of dating again has been at the front of my mind lately.

I don’t plan on actually dating any time soon, mainly because I am still married. We haven’t actually filed divorce papers and I am not sure when that will actually happen.

It has nothing to do with anything other then the fact that financially I am kinda in a place where it’s either have money for food and bills or for non-essential things like court fees. We can discuss this later, maybe.

Either way, I know I am not ready to date.

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Weekend with the Kid

Tonight, I told my son it was bedtime and he got super happy.

I picked him up and took him to the room to change his diaper and put on lotion. As I started to comb his hair, he said, “ow.” He says it every time I comb his hair now. Not because it hurts but because somehow he learned it might make us stop. But he has really pretty hair and I try to keep it that way.

The pillow weren’t in the room so I told him to get the pillows and I’d grab a bottle. He didn’t quite understand at first so we walked out to the living room and I pointed at the pillows. He giggled and said, “pillows.” He picked them up and as I poured him some milk he dragged them back to the room. I followed him as he dragged the last pillow in and threw it on the bed. I then rearranged them and helped lift him into bed.

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Missing My Son

When Levi was born, I was so afraid to touch him.

Prior to his birth, I rarely held babies and really did my best to avoid interacting with children. I always felt so uncomfortable around them.

I remember seeing him lying on the table as they cleaned him up. I could hear him crying and I really had no idea what to do. Luckily the nurse could see my deer-in-the-headlights expression and was quick to suggest I take a picture to kind of keep me grounded.

Now, there are days when I come home and I see his things and I know that despite his toys, clothes and bed being here, he won’t be. And it kills me.

On the days where I drop him off at his mom’s, knowing it will be at the very least two days before I see him again, it takes everything for me not to cry. Most of the time I say my goodbyes and then rush back to my car and focus on getting to work. Then when I get home and see his things, I either immediately find something to do or I binge Netflix until the urge to cry passes.

It’s so hard to not see him everyday.

I miss his laughs and his hugs. I hate knowing that when I see him again, I will have missed out on so much. He’ll have learned something new and I won’t know about it until he does it. (His mom doesn’t communicate anything with me)

I just wanted so much more for him. Having a father who abandoned my mom and I, I really wanted so much more for my children.

It never crossed my mind that we’d find ourselves where we are now. I really expected so much more out of my marriage. And yet some how, the burden of it’s failure still ends up laying on my shoulders.

I’d give anything to know I’d see my son everyday. That I could put him to bed every night and here his voice every morning.

He deserves so much more and I just hate myself for how much I’ve let him down.

If there is one thing I try to survive everyday, it’s knowing that I can’t give my son his family.

Update: State of My Head

I’ve been pretty open about my experience with depression.

Since mid-July, I’ve stepped away from writing for a bit to focus on the mess that is my life. For whatever reason, I thought there were to many distractions and I was afraid things were getting out of control.

Continue reading “Update: State of My Head”