Before I forget…

Today, Levi did the cutest thing.

I was laying on the living room floor, (we don’t have a couch) and Levi walked by. I asked for a hug and he gave me one and so I started singing, “Daddy loves his baby!” I did this for a minute and just rocked back and forth and Levi just held on.

Then I sang, “Who does Daddy love?”

Levi sings, “Baby!”

He looked up to me with the biggest smile and it just broke my heart.

I love this kid, so much. He is such a sunny spot in my life and he is just so filled with love. Renee used to always say that Levi was chosen specifically to bring us joy and I don’t doubt that.

He is so special.

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Meditation Post

What does meditation look like to me?

Well, it used to be do these breathing exercises and stress squeezes I learned on my mission.

Sometimes it was cleaning my apartment before bed.

Lately, it has been preparing for the next day: meal prep and journal/planner writing.

Tonight, it’s listening to a talk from General Conference, meal prepping, calendar updating, video watching and blog posting.

Just finding things to relax before bed. Finding ways to clear my mind and most importantly center myself back to the Savior and the Spirit.

This is day one.

Quiet Thoughts: Dating

The idea of dating again has been at the front of my mind lately.

I don’t plan on actually dating any time soon, mainly because I am still married. We haven’t actually filed divorce papers and I am not sure when that will actually happen.

It has nothing to do with anything other then the fact that financially I am kinda in a place where it’s either have money for food and bills or for non-essential things like court fees. We can discuss this later, maybe.

Either way, I know I am not ready to date.

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How To Change Your Perspective: Take A Vacation

Last week I had the amazing opportunity to go on vacation with my family.

My parents, sister and I haven’t all been together in a few years and so we weren’t sure how well we would all get along. Luckily, aside from a few moments, we did really well considering we spent the better part of a week almost constantly together.

It helped that we were all out of our own environment and experiencing something new together.

Continue reading “How To Change Your Perspective: Take A Vacation”

Weekend with the Kid

Tonight, I told my son it was bedtime and he got super happy.

I picked him up and took him to the room to change his diaper and put on lotion. As I started to comb his hair, he said, “ow.” He says it every time I comb his hair now. Not because it hurts but because somehow he learned it might make us stop. But he has really pretty hair and I try to keep it that way.

The pillow weren’t in the room so I told him to get the pillows and I’d grab a bottle. He didn’t quite understand at first so we walked out to the living room and I pointed at the pillows. He giggled and said, “pillows.” He picked them up and as I poured him some milk he dragged them back to the room. I followed him as he dragged the last pillow in and threw it on the bed. I then rearranged them and helped lift him into bed.

Continue reading “Weekend with the Kid”

Update: Anger

It’s no secret that I feel angry.

I’d have to say anger is the emotion I am most comfortable with. My default. My go to. It’s become my defense.

Lately, my marriage has been in the forefront of my mind. I caught myself laughing as I thought about some memories, a genuine feeling of joy coming across my face. At the same time, I felt angry that those memories are so tainted.

So far, everyone seems to think forgiveness is my best option. I don’t disagree, but I am just not there yet. I’ve shared a lot about being honest with your emotions. Honestly, I don’t know if anything I say is helpful for anyone but ,for me, being honest with myself is huge.

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Father’s Day

IMG_4979.JPGTwo and half hours later, Levi is finally asleep.

What I though would be an easy night turned into a battle of the wills as I tried to get Levi to sleep. He was tired and had a complete meltdown at the park, several times. So we came home and got ready for bed a little earlier then normal.

We brushed teeth, put lotion on, changing into pajamas, read our scriptures, said our prayer, and drank a bottle.

Unfortunately, he seemed more awake then usual, but I still put him in his crib and crept out. I was planning on getting some work done to prepare for the week and just as I was about to, I heard him fussing.

I tried the usual to get him down. Nothing was working so I decided to just let him be and instead we had a couple of cookies and watched Youtube. Sure enough though he was still tired and just needed to lay down.

So off to bed again, this time we laid in my bed and he tossed and turned, flipped and flopped, kicked and groaned, until I finally told him to lay down or I would put him in the crib.

It worked.

I stayed and made sure he was good and asleep before sneaking away again.

I can’t say I don’t get frustrated when he won’t go down. The evenings are vital for all the many projects I am currently working on and Sunday’s are important planning nights. But only having him part time has helped me appreciate these moments for what they are.

Levi has been sleeping in my arms from day one. I remember holding him almost the whole night after he was born. His first big poop was in my arms!

I understood how precious my time was with him and even though I was tired, I enjoyed getting up and feeding him at night. We’d sit on the couch and usually sleep out there for a few hours before I’d realize it and sneak him back to his crib.

I love being a dad and it’s those moments when your child really shows his trust in you that make all the other stuff worth it. Levi knows he is safe with me and at night when he can’t sleep, he reaches out for me and it’s funny to see him try to cuddle up next to me but just can’t seem to get close enough.

So yeah, maybe tonight I spent most of my “work” time battling it out with a tired toddler, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I am so grateful to be able to have that opportunity and to also to be able to recognize how special it is.

Fatherhood isn’t easy, but it is damn well worth it.