Father’s Day

IMG_4979.JPGTwo and half hours later, Levi is finally asleep.

What I though would be an easy night turned into a battle of the wills as I tried to get Levi to sleep. He was tired and had a complete meltdown at the park, several times. So we came home and got ready for bed a little earlier then normal.

We brushed teeth, put lotion on, changing into pajamas, read our scriptures, said our prayer, and drank a bottle.

Unfortunately, he seemed more awake then usual, but I still put him in his crib and crept out. I was planning on getting some work done to prepare for the week and just as I was about to, I heard him fussing.

I tried the usual to get him down. Nothing was working so I decided to just let him be and instead we had a couple of cookies and watched Youtube. Sure enough though he was still tired and just needed to lay down.

So off to bed again, this time we laid in my bed and he tossed and turned, flipped and flopped, kicked and groaned, until I finally told him to lay down or I would put him in the crib.

It worked.

I stayed and made sure he was good and asleep before sneaking away again.

I can’t say I don’t get frustrated when he won’t go down. The evenings are vital for all the many projects I am currently working on and Sunday’s are important planning nights. But only having him part time has helped me appreciate these moments for what they are.

Levi has been sleeping in my arms from day one. I remember holding him almost the whole night after he was born. His first big poop was in my arms!

I understood how precious my time was with him and even though I was tired, I enjoyed getting up and feeding him at night. We’d sit on the couch and usually sleep out there for a few hours before I’d realize it and sneak him back to his crib.

I love being a dad and it’s those moments when your child really shows his trust in you that make all the other stuff worth it. Levi knows he is safe with me and at night when he can’t sleep, he reaches out for me and it’s funny to see him try to cuddle up next to me but just can’t seem to get close enough.

So yeah, maybe tonight I spent most of my “work” time battling it out with a tired toddler, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. I am so grateful to be able to have that opportunity and to also to be able to recognize how special it is.

Fatherhood isn’t easy, but it is damn well worth it.

QOTD: Creating Yourself

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

– George Bernard Shaw

I love the control this statement gives the individual. “Finding yourself” implies you don’t have the ability to do so with out some sort of journey or search in which you have little to no control of the outcome, length, or course.

“Creating yourself” gives control to you as an individual to dictate who you are entirely. You make the choices, you carry the power, and you decide.

 


Shirts available for purchase here: https://survivinganything.threadless.com/

Check out my Instagram to see what picture I posted today: @jorgesiow – https://www.instagram.com/jorgesiow/

Check out my Pattern site to see the things I sell: www.thehusbandandwifeco.com

Or my Etsy shop: www.etsy.com/shop/thehusbandandwifeco

Also I have Facebook: @undefeatedandalive – https://www.facebook.com/undefeateandalive/

A Balance Between Positivity and Pessimism 

“If you want to be happy, be.”

– Leo Tolstoy

I try to avoid statements I perceive as “aggressive” like the one above. As someone who has depression and some low level anxiety, statements like this can be really painful to see and hear. Especially when I am already being critical of myself. 

During those “down” times, it is extremely frustrating to face ideas like this because you feel ashamed of the fact that you cannot help yourself. Your emotions seem like a physical weight on your body and though you would rather be happy, it all is very exhausting. And then the cycle turns over again because now you feel bad for being tired. 

It’s only recently that I have felt comfortable with using phrases like this in my life. When I do, I try to only do so when I am feeling good and am capable of seeing a statement like this as advice and not as a command. 

Trying to form a positive outlook on my life and trying to be forgiving of my nature to be pessimistic, has helped me see that the two thoughts can have there place. While positivity can inspire and uplift me, looking more objectively at my situation has also helped keep me grounded and more focused. Tag teaming my pessimism and positivity allows me to make better plans and feel confident in executing them. 

Again it’s about the balance we allow in our life. For my photography, some shoots benefit from a dark view point, bringing with it a different range of emotions and ideas then shoots where I feel more upbeat. I feel like that difference is seen in whether I produce color or black and white images. 

Most of my color images are taken when I am feeling more positivity and inspired. The subject demands the focus and the overall intent of the image is clear. My black and white photography, is in birth, darker, but when editing I have to find more in the image to showcase and what is drawn out is the what I call the essence of the image that relies less upon the subject and more on the overall feel. These images I fee don’t speak as easily to those I share them with and tend to harder for me to share. I feel in the end I produce an image that is still positive but also full of more emotion. 

Two perspectives that help me keep balanced in life and in my artwork. And achieving some idea of balance is important in our lives. Working towards that is difficult but not impossible. For many, therapy and medication are huge helps. Also good and reliable friendships. In the end though, we have to be ready to pull ourselves out and make those changes that will affect us positively and actually move us a little bit out of the cycle. 

We can survive anything. We just need to learn balance. 

The Things I Won’t Hide Anymore

A letter to You.

A part of Surviving Anything is learning how to get out of you the things that haunt you. For a long time I have turned to writing. There have been people in my life who have destroyed me. Most of the time I write them a letter. A letter I can’t give them. No because they’ve heard it all before. I do it as my reminder that this is over. It’s never easy.

I make it public. Because for the longest time I’ve wanted to help others get through this. I wanted others to know before hand what can happen and also that there comes a point when You can get better. That point when you can put down those feelings and move forward.

It’s not about trashing someone. It’s about being honest with someone. This isn’t meant to hurt anyone, it can but that isn’t my intention. This is my call for help. These are the things no one wants to hear. These is the ugly of the world no one wants to see. But forget the world.

I’m opening my life up so someone else can feel like there is someone who understands. This is my letter:

Brandon,

It seems like no matter how hard I try, I can’t talk to you. Seeing you kills me. I don’t know who you are, its as if everything I knew was a lie. But what kills me more is that I let you lie to me. I feared you.

You want to blame me for our divorce. Go ahead. But one last time, here’s my truth. Here’s what I know and I don’t care what you think happened. When I close my eyes, when I sit alone, this is what I see.

I see me sitting on the floor across the room from you. I see you telling me that if I ever made you choose between me and A—– you’d choose her every time. That’s when I died. That’s when I gave up.

You blame my addiction, but I didn’t see a point in fighting it. You say I controlled you. I did. I purposely pushed you closer to her. I wanted you to screw up. I wanted to be right. So when you asked to see her, I let you. I tried at times to stop it, but I always gave in because I knew how’d it all end. And I wasn’t wrong.

You ran to her. You slept in her bed. You shared your body with her. Then you came home and expected me to give you everything back. So I did. I gave into the darkness. I gave into the very thing that turned me into an animal. I guess you didn’t like that.

I never tried after that. It was all a show, just waiting for you to leave again. I’m not sorry if this hurts you. I’m not sorry if this hurts anyone. This is my last letter to you. This is my goodbye.

Someday our son will ask and I have no idea what to tell him. I don’t think there will ever be an answer good enough. I hope that day never comes. He doesn’t need to know and I hope he learns to love us both and never has to hurt because of this.

I’m not afraid of you anymore. What I say to you now is what I’d say to you in private. I won’t carry your secrets anymore. I won’t take your apologies. You couldn’t protect our family before and I still don’t trust you to protect our son now or ever. I expect you to fail and it won’t surprise me.

I write the things I am tired of trying to say. I write because it’s the only way to get it all out. These are the last words I have for you: I hope you find happiness in your life.

Sincerely,

JORGE

QOTD: Set Your Future

May 18, 2017

” All successful people men and women are big dreamers. They imagine what their future could be, ideal in every respect, and then they work every day toward their distant vision, that goal or purpose.”

– Brian Tracy

Dreaming is my thing. I dream all day everyday and sometimes at night too. I’ve always been lost in my head. This can make it hard to focus and actually set goals and turn my dreams into reality.

In 2015 my former spouse and I started an Etsy shop. We started selling signs and before I knew it, we had done what I had always thought was impossible, being a successful business owner. My standards of success however fall into these two categories: I’ve established a business that continues to produce sales and I have sold something multiple times and people still really like it.

I know that, that may not seem all that great to some people but it’s pretty darn amazing to me. As a kid I always wanted to be able to make something that other people would want. Back then, I wanted to draw and paint. In high school I wanted to become a famous photographer. In college I started thinking about owning a business. I’ve accomplished one of these things and am actively working on another.

Again though, my goals are being set by me and I am working on them how I see fit and how it works for me. In the end, it doesn’t matter what the world sees me as, if I feel success in what I have done then I’ve done well.

I see my future as a husband and a father, someone who encourages their kids to dream, who can support them and provide for them. My future is really not that far away and my dreams aren’t impossible. Everyday, we make choices, whether big or small, we need to make them count.

Be good to yourself. Pick yourself up and learn to love who you are. You are not going to be perfect so give yourself a break.

Surviving Anything means setting your own future.


Shirts available for purchase here: https://survivinganything.threadless.com/

Check out my Instagram to see what picture I posted today: @jorgesiow – https://www.instagram.com/jorgesiow/

Check out my Pattern site to see the things I sell: www.thehusbandandwifeco.com

Or my Etsy shop: www.etsy.com/shop/thehusbandandwifeco

Also I have Facebook: @undefeatedandalive – https://www.facebook.com/undefeateandalive/

QOTD: Love Your self

May 17, 2017

“We don’t make mistakes, just happy accidents.”

– Bob Ross

What works best about this quote is how it forces you to change your perspective.

I don’t necessarily follow the idea of “Fake it till you make it” because there are a lot of things wrong with it but I do believe that attempting to find the good in every situation is a good thing.

I wil be honest and say that in some situations there may not be any good, but it’s the effort of trying to focus your energy some place that can make the real difference.

Take for example my mood tonight. The first day with my kid this week and I hate it. I put on some music to relax and I started with “I Hope You Suffer” by AFI.

Good song, great song, the best song ever…

But it was long before I was wanting to listen to something a bit lighter. Not because I want to avoid feeling angry or upset, but because I’ve accepted my emotion and naturally changed back into my true self who really just wants to dance. Ha ha.

It didn’t start this way and it doesn’t always work out like this. But getting to a point of honesty with my emotions has allowed me to work through things faster.

As someone who has struggled with depression, I want to also say sometimes you need help also. Counseling and therapy were a big part of me getting here. Techniques I learned there have helped to ease me through a lot. I’ve also done medication. I wasn’t able to find a combination for myself when I had it available but I can tell you it did help. And I know now that it is worth trying.

It is all about honesty and being willing to recognize what you need for you to be able to be okay. Reach out and reach up because you deserve to feel good about who you are.

Surviving anything is learning to love yourself.


Shirts available for purchase here: https://survivinganything.threadless.com/

Check out my Instagram to see what picture I posted today: @jorgesiow – https://www.instagram.com/jorgesiow/

Check out my Pattern site to see the things I sell: www.thehusbandandwifeco.com

Or my Etsy shop: www.etsy.com/shop/thehusbandandwifeco

Also I have Facebook: @undefeatedandalive – https://www.facebook.com/undefeateandalive/

QOTD: Live for the stars, they are more plentiful.

May 16, 2017

log in the grass b&w

“Shoot for the moon, even if you fail, you’ll land among the stars.”

– Cecelia Ahern

In five months I went from single to married and it was quite an adventure. It was fun, exciting, overwhelming, and terrifying. Committing to marry someone so quickly was insane but it felt right and it was something I wanted.

That marriage is effectively over.

It is the reason I started work on this blog and reading this quote this morning reminded me how interesting it has been to see how much better of a person I am now that I am out of that marriage and how much it changed my life and brought me to a place where I can feel confident in following my dreams and feel excited for the future.

Trust me, a lot people in my situation wouldn’t be as outwardly happy as I am. The difference between what I could be doing and what I am doing is how I choose to just not worry about what I can’t control anymore. At first, that was hard. When you separate from anyone whom you have a relationship with, you do get mad when they seem to just move on. I know I did.

It didn’t take long, though, to realize how much I still had. Yeah, many of the people I had gotten close to seemed to push me out, but in doing so I found better friends. The people who actually helped me and showed me what it was like to actually care about people. Which was surprising to me because I thought my “church family” would have played a large role in my recovery, but that did not happen at all.

New opportunities presented themselves at work and in my own pursuit of happiness. I realized more fully who I was as a person, recognizing not only my weaknesses, but for once really seeing where I was strong and capable.

Life is still hard. My finances are a cluster ___. I have no idea how to be single and not seeing my son every day can get really frustrating.

But I have a decent home, food in cupboard, the opportunity to see my son often, great friends, my own car, a successful (in my mind) business, opportunities to explore and grow in my hobbies, drive to live, time to appreciate life, a great job, and a hope for my future.

There are plenty of things in my life that are great still. I overcame this hurdle and I will survive and continue to survive anything that comes my way. As a Mormon, I believe in an after-life, so why am I going to waste my time worrying about things that really don’t matter?

I still have some things to work on but I control that now. I control my life and I accept that, that means I can’t control everything.

Surviving anything means happiness is a choice.


Shirts available for purchase here: https://survivinganything.threadless.com/

Check out my Instagram to see what picture I posted today: @jorgesiow – https://www.instagram.com/jorgesiow/

Check out my Pattern site to see the things I sell: www.thehusbandandwifeco.com

Or my Etsy shop: www.etsy.com/shop/thehusbandandwifeco

Also I have Facebook: www.facebook.com/husandwifeco