Update: Anger

It’s no secret that I feel angry.

I’d have to say anger is the emotion I am most comfortable with. My default. My go to. It’s become my defense.

Lately, my marriage has been in the forefront of my mind. I caught myself laughing as I thought about some memories, a genuine feeling of joy coming across my face. At the same time, I felt angry that those memories are so tainted.

So far, everyone seems to think forgiveness is my best option. I don’t disagree, but I am just not there yet. I’ve shared a lot about being honest with your emotions. Honestly, I don’t know if anything I say is helpful for anyone but ,for me, being honest with myself is huge.

Continue reading “Update: Anger”

Update: Surviving

Art is all about emotion.

The emotion felt when creating to the emotion felt by the viewer, art makes us feel. For me, my photography is typically inspired by pain.

In high school, I was struggling with depression and photography became a very important outlet for me. Now, I still find myself using my photography as a way to deal with everything that comes with going through a divorce.

Continue reading “Update: Surviving”


“Real generosity towards the future lies in giving all to the present.”

– Albert Camus

My biggest worry in life is wether I will be a good enough dad to my son.

I constantly worry that I am not doing enough to engage him or teach him. Aside from the weekend, I really only see him for 3-4 hours on a workday and the rest of the time he is at the sitters.

Do I show him that I love him enough and do I discipline him in a way that is nurturing and not just authoritative? The other day he was sick and as much as I knew him taking a late nap was good, I was frustrated that it meant he’d be up later and it would be hard for me to get any work done. Then, I was mad because I found it annoying that he was sick. It was a lose, lose situation for me.

In a perfect world, his mother and I would of made things work, but this world isn’t perfect. In a perfect world I’d come home and not have to worry about what wether or not we’d have enough to pay the bills and have food.

I had always wished to give him the best life possible, but the older he gets the more I feel like I’ve let him down.

And then I stop and breathe.

I glance at the pictures I have of him, the smiles he always wears. I think of the hugs and kisses he shares. How tightly he holds on to me at night when he wakes up crying. The cuddles he shares right before he falls asleep. And just all of the little moments we share together.

Trying to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent is hard.

I worry about the future he will have; the questions he will ask and the answers I will have to try and explain. How will his confidence and self worth change the more he learns?

I’ve been trying to teach myself the importance of being hopefully and optimistic. Reminding myself that it’s okay to chase after my own dreams. This is all in the hope of being able to teach him to do and act the same.

We all want better for our own kids and it really does fall back on us to be better ourselves. Little steps, little breathes. He is always watching what we do and if he can see us overcome these difficulties, maybe he’ll see that he can also overcome.

So, I guess, being there for him now, showing him that I love him now, and being strong with him now is the best I can do.

POTD: The Massive

What inspired me the most when taking these last series of photographs, was the thought of trying to view the world differently.

I discussed this quite a bit recently. I don’t necessarily mean in a way that others don’t view it, but as in how can I can view the world different and then present that. I mean as a photographer I am basically working to show you the world how I see it, so if I am not working to view it differently then, I am just showing you what you already see.

For instance, why do I go to the all the local parks and take pictures there? Continue reading “POTD: The Massive”

QOTD: Faith

“And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”

– Ether 12:7

I am at a point in my life where I need to choose between lying to myself or being honest with myself about my faith.

As someone who is constantly writing about being honest with oneself, it would seem I would already know which is the healthier and correct choice here. However, I also recognize it is the harder choice and thus it makes me hesitant.

I wrote last week about overcoming fear, specifically recognizing the difference between the types of fear we face. When it comes to my faith, what is keeping me from really living it is a fear of hurting my ego or pride.

And that has seemed to be the biggest obstacle in my life as a Mormon.

It’s called the pride cycle. When I am doing what I know is right and living my life in way that I know is in line with the commandments, for the most part things tend to be okay. My trails are less burdensome and I have a hope for a future beyond that. It is during these times I feel like I can “feel” things better and having a better understanding of the actions I should take in life.

Then things get a little crazy, because I start to forget that the only reason things are so good, is well because of the big guy upstairs. I start to slack a little and fall into old pitfalls. It becomes easier to rely on my own strengths and talents and forget that even those things are only mine because of God.

I forget that it’s my faith in God that is allowing me to have that clear and level-headed mind. It’s my faith that allows me to stay calm under pressure and gives me the strength to think beyond my problems and find solutions. It is also that faith that opens my eyes to understanding and compassion.

I can say that all of these things are things I only learned after I discovered for myself who God was. And that required me to act completely on faith and choose to follow something that was completely foreign and really the complete opposite of how I was living my life up until that point.

So, if I am being honest with myself I know the next step in my progression in life is turning back towards God a little more. Working on my faith and really trying to live by it.

I know that I have tried to not write so much about my religion. At least not in this way. But as someone who is writing for the sole purpose of progressing as a human being, this is a part of that progression. I don’t intend to preach but simply offer a glimpse into the life that I lead everyday. This is still a part of me as much as anything I have written on here.

There will be a slight shift and I will do my best to relate it towards a more general concept at the end of my posts, but understand in order to get there I have to follow the thought in my mind and work it.

Today, honesty is my lesson. In order to survive, we need to be honest about everything, even the hard things. Adhering to my faith during this time in my life is hard. In the end though, my body and mind still feel the pull of my faith and as much as my conscience thinking wants to run from it, because I know happiness can be found there, the further I run the closer it gets, the stronger the feelings are, and the warmer the memories.

It isn’t easy to be honest. But if honesty is always right, why will we choose to ever be wrong.


POTD: Soft

I love getting really close to things.

When I am in love with someone, I like to hold them close. When I hug my son, I have to give him a good squeeze. When I photograph things, I am all about the small details.

I want like to see all the details in an image. Working with a Macro Lens has always been so fun. And I would love to get closer.

Bringing this image into black and white lost some the details on the subject but helped to mute the background. I was glad to have a strong highlight on one side but made sure not to lose too much in the shadow.

The image is very quiet and soft. I keep imagining myself running my hand along a soft white rug.

This image was taken in Zorinsky Lake park in Omaha, Nebraska. I was facing the lake itself and the dark line across the middle of the image is the tree line along the shore opposite of me. It was around 4 pm when I took the shot and the sky was clear so I had a lot of direct sunshine hitting my subject.

At this point I was in need of getting out the sun, and this was a last minute shot. I remember there was a lady walking towards me on the path and I sort of did a double take as I was walking past this. I saw it but was more concerned about finding water, that I had to convince myself to stop and capture it.

I am glad I did and am really satisfied with the grey tones that came out of the image.

It’s just very soft.

QOTD: Patience Through the Journey

“If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived.”

– Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I’ve become a firm believer in chasing after your dreams.

I’m also a firm believer in learning to recognize when you are wrong.

And for me, I feel like the two need to work together. My biggest dream was to own my own company. I checked this off my dream list almost two years ago. When I did it, I knew that if I got to the point where living this dream became a burden on my family or me, it needed to end.

And I have no problem with that. Continue reading “QOTD: Patience Through the Journey”