It’s no secret that I feel angry.
I’d have to say anger is the emotion I am most comfortable with. My default. My go to. It’s become my defense.
Lately, my marriage has been in the forefront of my mind. I caught myself laughing as I thought about some memories, a genuine feeling of joy coming across my face. At the same time, I felt angry that those memories are so tainted.
So far, everyone seems to think forgiveness is my best option. I don’t disagree, but I am just not there yet. I’ve shared a lot about being honest with your emotions. Honestly, I don’t know if anything I say is helpful for anyone but ,for me, being honest with myself is huge.
You see, the biggest lie I told myself, regarded the very idea that my marriage could ultimately end tragically.
I’m almost positive I’ve shared this story before but for the sake of making sense tonight, here it is again.
Very early on in our marriage, I found myself laying in bed wide awake. My spouse was fast asleep and I was just thinking about everything we had ahead of us. In that moment a small, calm voice flooded my mind. “You’ll need to be ready to lose her.”
I knew, without a doubt, what this was. Though I had only ever heard this voice twice before, it was instantly recognizable. We call it The Spirit or Holy Ghost.
But I knew.
I had a close relationship with the third member of the Godhead, off and on through out my life. When close, the warnings were always clear, the direction powerful. Twice at my lowest, the voice brought clarity. But at that moment, even though I felt the truth of those words shake my very core, I refused to listen.
I said no, why would the God I loved, who claimed to love me, tell me this, this terrible and ugly thing?
Because he loved me.
He knew that soon, the issue would meet it’s peak and I’d have to chose to act in love or ignorance.
As a missionary, I learned through my own failures and ultimately my own disobedience, that love is more then just all the good things we think of. It’s also being willing to hold someone accountable to their word, their promises, and covenants. It’s being willing to say no and at times walking away.
I knew this, I felt all of this in that moment. I chose ignorance.
I would in the following weeks, find myself on my knees, saying to my god, that I would not listen and I would not adhere to what he had asked. And so for the remainder of my marriage, I failed in my duties.
So while, my anger is at times, directed towards certain persons, that is not the anger I struggle with most. No, the anger I struggle with most is anger towards my own stupidity, to think that somehow I could be half committed and half turned away.
Am I mad at God? No.
Not even a little.
My faith teaches me that choices are essential to my being. I may chose to be obedient or disobedient. Faithful or not. And no matter which I chose there are consequences, good and bad. Perhaps being faithful still ends in what could be seen as a bad situation. But if God does exist, and if He does love as I believe, well then regardless of what my imperfect mind may perceive, His understanding is greater. My sight is narrow and blurred. His, well as an all-knowing, perfect being, is significantly greater.
So there is a lot going on, in my mind on a daily basis.
I hurt because the person I trusted most in my life hurt me. I hurt because I was born with a condition that causes my body to not stay balanced. I hurt because I make poor choices.
But I am trying to get better. I am trying to give into those little nudges of inspiration. I am trying to see myself as capable of being a good person. I try to think about what’s best for my son. I remind myself that I want a future. I remind myself that there is more then just my own mind in this vast world. I desire after the opportunity to serve and teach. I desire after being comfortable and content. And I set goals and I continue to dream.
I let my emotions play out and I don’t hold back. I reach out and I try to find someone to talk to. I keep everything out in the open and involve as many people as I can in the truth of my reality. I ask for perspective. I seek for understanding. I try to end my night with a sense of relief that I did it.
I succeeded one more day. I survived.