“The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
– Bob Marley
I am attracted to things that many consider to be dark.
This quote for example, I am sure isn’t as popular with my more positive thinking friends, especially those who have a very different perception of the word suffering.
For me, in this context, suffering does not have as dark of a meaning because I don’t think of this quote as words on the surface, but rather and expression of emotion and feeling. And it has a lot to do with the fact that everyday for me is a battle.
That is my reality, and as messed up as that seems to people, the truth is I don’t usually wake up wanting to be in whatever situation I find myself in, regardless of how good it is.
It isn’t something I have much control over, no, the only thing I control with it is how I react to it. Which is why I write, engage in photography, and try to find the positive. Try being key.
A statement like this is beautiful because in my reality it makes sense. The things I love, the things that bring me happiness also bring about the most anxiety and fear. For whatever reason, being happy, is a struggle for me. Having lived through very hard times of crippling depression, I can tell you, it is very easy to sit around and be okay with being nothing.
The struggle comes when you want to be happy, feel normal, and enjoy the cascade of emotions you see others around you experiencing. You wish you could enjoy going out and seeing the world, but the amount of effort that takes, is damn near exhausting, and sometimes even thinking about it is enough to put you into a 14 hour nap.
So yes, for some of us, finding someone worth suffering for is beautiful. That person is someone who helps us feel happy and it worth the effort it takes to actually be happy. Sometimes its a thing a too. Like writing this post. I’ve spent the whole week thinking about it. Pondering every emotion I had when reading it, trying to find the sole idea that connected them all. It was the only quote that I couldn’t talk about on Sunday, because it was so important that I knew, I just didn’t have the time to work on it and also knew it was important enough to make the time for.
It was important for me to learn how to be okay with expressing more of myself and not hiding behind the idea that something is hard. I listened to a Youtuber this week talk about the idea of people who don’t release products until they are perfect. I used to think that you shouldn’t share things with the world, things you wanting to share with the world, until they are perfect. But the truth was, it was just an excuse to not do anything. Reality is, so much more comes from just doing it and learning from the failures and the mistakes.
Part of my recovery the last few months was realizing that I have failed so much in my life but that those failures don’t define who I am. I am not depression. I am Jorge. I am a dad, a photographer, a blogger, and a creator. I love making things, regardless of the reaction others give to it, because making things is how I express myself. Sometimes it is pretty and sometimes it isn’t. I have successes and I need to recognize them.
I have a dream of someday being able to support my family with the things I create. What has been holding me back this last month, is the very idea that I need to make the perfect thing, that being able to find that perfect equation will be my big break. But that isn’t true. I need to just create and create the crap out of whatever I think and feel. Along the way, perhaps I will make it as an artist, but in the end, what is most important is getting it out of my head, letting it live and letting myself live.