Surviving Anything: I’m Tired of Holding This

I thought making videos would make this project easier. However, talking is so much harder. Setting up the lights and the camera, editing, and everything else involved. It hasn’t happened and this next story has been burning inside me for so long.

I’m not here to attack The Church. I’m here to give a voice to those who experience what I did. To open the eyes of those who are so ignorant. One of my companions used to say, “Ignorance is bliss, spread the sorrow.” While I am not wanting to cause sorrow, I want to show the world the sorrow some of use are seeing.

So let’s start with this:

I found a note in my scriptures. It was a list of things people thought described me. It reads:

“The most loving, kind, considerate man I have ever met.

You are dedicated and finish what you start!

You are 100% focused on the Lord!

Desire to help others

An Incredible man with the biggest heart

So patient with others

Always willing to participate and share your knowledge with others.

Has a strong mind and heart

Very Spiritual”

I didn’t believe any of that when I first saw it and I still don’t. Maybe it’s that the people who wrote these things were liars. Maybe it was because I was lying to them, pretending my life was something it wasn’t. Perhaps, I am lying to myself about it.

I guess, looking at this list, it’s hard to think that people see me this way because very rarely do I let myself show these things. My best self could be this. But when am I my best self?

When I graduated, I had a friend write in my yearbook that I had such a depressive attitude. That’s stuck with me. Of all the good things that people had to say, this felt like the only honest thing written to me.

I’ve thought a lot about those words. What bother’s me the most is that though I can recognize that I do have a dark way at looking at the world, I know it’s just a part of me. It’s not that I can’t be positive, it’s that I prefer honesty and sometimes my honesty isn’t positive.

I’ve never connected with someone because of positivity. The people I connect with the most, know my darkness and I learn theirs. We connect because we know we aren’t perfect. We don’t have to pretend with each other. We can relax, we an breathe.

There are  people who I wish I knew better, they hurt and I can’t reach them. The people who I can feel the most love for, they push me away. It’s those people I want to reach. It’s those people who I feel like I am supposed to meet. Not to fix there lives, but to give them rest.

I’m no one special. I have no education. But I can feel you. I can see the pain in your eyes. I can see the weakness and I don’t judge you for it. You can be honest with me. I will be honest with you.

I know a lot secrets. Things people tell me because they trust me. I’ve always wanted to be able to do more. Ultimately, the best thing I can say to people is find what makes you happy.

Happy inside, in your heart. And I wish I could explain that better because it isn’t an earthly happy, a physical happiness, a happiness that you can show off. It’s a happiness that touches the very basic parts of your being.

I hesitate to write my next thought.

I found my happiness in God and the more I learn and understand about him the more I feel true to myself.

He does ask so much from me, but he also expects me to fail. He wants only the best for me but allows the worse. He commands and punishes for failure but also rewards tenfold for success and obedience. He gives me the opportunity to choose for myself but tells me what He expects.

He’s never hid the truth from me. The most powerful words He has ever spoke to me were in regards to my marriage. He told “You’ll have to be ready to lose her someday.” I never accepted that. I never believed him. I guess I thought somehow I could change it.

On the other side of it, I see how much He wanted my happiness. I wasn’t supposed to worry, just do. Same with now, the things I want to write are gonna make some people uncomfortable and mad, but I don’t write for them. I write for those who are hurting silently.

They think they are alone. We aren’t. We are all here, feeling the same thing. The hate. The fear. The pain. I feel it, I know it, I live it.

But it’s not the end. So let’s find happiness, joy and peace.

Surviving anything is about picking your head up. You are not alone.

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