“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”
– M. Scott Peck
For a long time now, I’ve dealt with the guilt of something that happened when I was a child. For the most part, people who know what happened, both professionals and friends/family, have told me it wasn’t as bad as time has built it up to be.
That does little to alleviate the guilt. Regardless though, talking about it has made me realize I need to move away from it. It has become the largest hindrance in my life; stopping me from accepting anything good in my life and the main underlying reason I feel I don’t deserve anything.
But if letting this moment define me, stops me from being happy then it’s a problem.
When I was in middle, I secretly wrote stories all the time. Because of this my writing ability was noticed by one of my teachers and she kept pushing me to do more. For a while, I was able to keep it secret from my parents, then my mom came for the annual parent/teacher conference.
At the time, this was the worst possible thing to happen. I was still deep in my secret and to have my talents recognized, only made feel worse. Very quickly, it became priority to stop writing completely.
I went from being a top student in middle school, to seriously failing most of my classes in high school. What was really annoying was being placed in a special academy in my high school for students who excelled and being one of the few to be failing. And it wasn’t as if the teachers thought I was stupid, some of them knew how capable I was at actually doing well and expressed their disappointment in my desire to basically do nothing.
Fortunately, my parents weren’t about to let me fail. They knew something was wrong and even went so far as to move us out of state to get me into a better environment. This did two things for me.
First, I was able to reset my life. No one knew me and so I could finally be comfortable acting and looking however I wanted to because no one knew me before and thus couldn’t see me change.
Second, I could ignore my past. If everything else was new then why couldn’t my life be new. And for a while this worked.
However, because I wasn’t actually dealing with the issue, it crept back up and by the time I left to college, I was just looking for another reset. It didn’t work. Going to college only made me face my issues head on.
I would spend the next few years sort of stuck in a cycle of failure and attempting to restart my life. It wasn’t until 2011 that I realized running wasn’t the answer. I needed to face my problem head on and for the last six years it’s been an back and forth battle.
I am at the point where the only thing really holding me back is accepting the truth as it is. What happened was bad, but it doesn’t make me a bad person nor should it deter me from being or feeling successful.
What really made the difference was my divorce.
Because sometimes we just make bad choices and then we have to just move on.
And so that is why now I am writing almost every day, I am constantly wanting to write and I keeping my ideas saved in a notebook.
I will need to practice and work on my writing ability quite a bit. Not writing for close to 13 years consistently has really taken it’s toll. Everyone once and a while I can get into a mood that really produces something solid but most days are like today. Thoughts just kinda flow and I put it down and then let it be.
Eventually I will produce posts that I spend more time working on, that are more organized and refined. But this is manageable right now and it feels good.