“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
-Ernest Hemingway, Men Without Women
When I first read this, I thought, “this is me.” Now I am not really sure.
Looking back on my marriage, it is hard to say whether or not I really gave much of myself to it. Honestly, depending on how you look at it, I was a very selfish individual. At the core, I married someone because I had the goal to get married. Did I love them? I think so, but in my current state, going through divorce, I am not really sure that is true.
At the same time, I feel like I gave a lot for my marriage. It’s just, in the back of my head, I hear my ex-wife say that I didn’t do enough and that our divorce is my fault. And I wish I could talk to people about it. But given the circumstances and all that happened, most people just kinda look at me and wonder why the hell I got involved in the relationship to begin with. I guess I had hope.
And now looking forward to the future, the one thing I really don’t want is to ever find someone new to start a relationship with. Mainly because now I feel like a leech.
I see myself never being enough because I am so used to hearing that I am not enough. I guess either that is the truth or I am really messed up.