Writing Prompt: Family

My Family Is….

pretty much anyone who I let into my life.

And yes that means I do on occasion, shut people out of my life and at that point I no longer consider them family. This doesn’t include people who I share biological connections with or who marry into my family. They remain family regardless of my feelings towards them. Luckily, no one has done anything so bad that I’ve had to rethink that mindset. Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Family”

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Writing Prompt: Inner Strength

I rely on my inner strength to …

Survive my divorce.

Let’s start with reminding you how open I try to be on this blog. There are things I have shared here that are very real and very close to my heart. And I do it because I know that someone out there needs it just as much as I needed it. Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Inner Strength”

I wish I was a better person

I wish I was a better person.

I wish I could look at myself and not see every mistake I ever made. I’d love to say I acted right and held my tongue.

I wish I could see something other then anger and hate.

I wish I didn’t feel shame to hear someone compliment me when I succeed.

I wish I didn’t turn away and run when things started to get better.

If only… Perhaps… Someday… Next time..

What triggered this? What made me feel like writing what I just wrote?

Thinking about getting married again. Because I deeply so want to have a family again. And I am so glad that isn’t possible right now. I have Levi and I do my best for him. But I couldn’t let anyone else into this mess. Not now. Not for awhile. Because I see people and when I see them, I think, I’d like to get to know them. But I don’t want them to know me. Not at all. Good people. It’s such a twisted and messed up way of thinking. Because I want Levi to have sisters and brothers. I want to have a spouse. But I look at how little I have for just Levi and I, and I know that there isn’t any for more. And thats a real good thing.

And that’s what I keep telling myself. It’s a good thing to be alone right now. Focus on getting yourself put together. It can wait. Let it wait. In time and not now. Now is just too much. You are too much. Just too much. Hard enough not to unload emotional vomit on everyone. Even writing this I am holding back a lot. Just keep it on the surface and hold on. Distract and fill time. Work on something. Talk to someone.

So that’s how we end up here. I posted today about remembering to keep trying. Learning how to get out of the anxiety spiral. I found myself thinking about a future and it freaked me. Really made me hate myself.

So I tried to divert. I tried to distract. When that didn’t work, I tried to talk to someone. Someone I really trust. Not about it, but just to distract. Couldn’t get through. So I came here.

Now we are here. I typed. I deleted. I edited. I censored. I don’t want to sound crazy because I’m not, I just have moments when I overthink and overanalyze. I need to just let it out of my head sometimes.

This is raw. This is real. thanks for listening

Depression and I

The worst aspect of depression is how unmotivated you feel.

This doesn’t mean, however, that you don’t end up with a ton of ideas and inspiration to create and work on new things. It just means you don’t feel motivated to actually work on them and put the time into making them a reality.

And then you get the second wind of, “If only I didn’t drag my feet and actually did things then maybe my life wouldn’t suck and I’d be happy.” Continue reading “Depression and I”

My Thanksgiving Day Post

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

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As much as I don’t want this post to start out with a dark tone, there is just no real way to approach it without including everything. So here we go.

It’s been a year. A crazy freaking year of ups and downs and Thanksgiving really marks the beginning of what my life is now. I was the Friday before Thanksgiving last year Continue reading “My Thanksgiving Day Post”

Before I Forget… When The Kid Sees Food

So here are a couple things that my son has done in the past two weeks that I don’t want to forget:

  • When I make dinner he starts to yell “Eat, Eat!” and then jumps into his high chair and waits for me to serve him. Usually, this happens as I start cooking so he sits and waits for a half hour.
  • The day I convinced him to go play while I cooked. When I called him to eat, I looked up to see him yelling, “Eat, Eat!” and both arms up in the air as he ran across the room.
  • The other morning as we packed his lunch he went and hid from me and when I couldn’t find him he jumped out and yelled, “Boo!”
  • He finally said, “Nana” again and also while his Nana was near to hear him. Its been months.
  • He uses his Transformers toy to shot me in the belly and he keeps doing it until I react.
  • I woke up the other day to him giving me the meanest side eye because he was hungry and I wasn’t ready with a bottle.
  • I still find it cute how he runs to bed in anticipation of getting a nice cold bottle of milk.
  • I gave him candy the day after Halloween. IT WAS A MISTAKE! He kept asking for more so I indulged him until it was an hour after bedtime. It was a long night…
  • Today he chose grapes over chocolate. Dad win.
  • Levi likes to play shy with the cute girls we meet in public. It’s really awkward for me.
  • Levi farted in church today. It took everything in me not to laugh. Especially since we kept saying the word “duty”.

There were more things I wanted to remember but now I have forgot… oh well.